Bored of The Rings
The Two Flowa’s
Programme
Intro - Intro to the two flowers story. What has happened so far.
Scene 1 – Frodo + Sam at the beginning find Gollum and ‘persuade’ him to lead them on to Mordor.
Scene 2 - Aragorn, Legolas, Gimbley and Gandalf ride off to Rohan to see King Theodan to ask of his help. They cure him and go off to Helms Deep.
Scene 3 - Scaramon views his huge army of Orcs and sends them off marching to Helms Deep
Scene 4 - Battle at Helms Deep, Horsemen in true Monty Python style, the horsemen save the day. Orcs all die.
Scene 5 - Ents attack and defeat Eisenguard, featuring Merry and Pippen throwing stones
Scene 6 - Frodo + Sam and Gollum are released by Faramier and they go back off to Mordor.
Cast
Frodo – Owen Williams
Sam – Karl Brooks Orcs - Everyone
Gollum – Matthew Rumbelow Men fighting - Everyone
Aragorn – Richard Swan The Ents – Everyone
Legolas – Darren Green Townsfolk - Everyone
Gimli – Ewan Foskett
Merry – Russell West
Pippen – Tickle Me Elmo
Gandalf – Matthew Cooper
Scaraman – Cei Whitehouse
Faramier – The Chimp
Theoden – Steve Davies
Wormtongue – Owen Gifford
Lady Ewoyn – Cei Whitehouse
Eomer - Tickle me Elmo
Guard – The Chimp
Director – Daniel Cheney
TreeBeard - Andy
Props
- 2 roll mats + 2 blankets
- 2 more grey blankets
- Some bread (few slices)
- ‘Black’ White Board Pen
- A (plain) ring on a chain
- As many Armour and Swords and Shields as you can find
- A staff for Gandalf and one for Scaraman
- A spray bottle with water in
- Richard (Aragorn) must have a spare pair of trousers
- Bows and Arrows
- Branches for the Ents’s costumes
- Boulders for the Ents to throw
Intro
“Bord of the Rings”
“The Two Flowa’s”
In the Land of middle earth only 2 months
since the Ring has re-surfaced, after nine companions
originally set off in order to destroy the ring of power and
stop the evil dark ‘Bastard’ (a.k.a. Lord Scouron) from regaining
his previous physical state and destroying ‘THE WORLD’. Two young hobbits are all that is left of the original fellowship; Bravely continue on the road to ‘Mordor’.
Script
Scene 1
Sam - Come along Mr.Frodo, don’t lag behind, I’m sure we’ll be there soon. Shall we stop for some lunch?
Frodo - That’s a great idea Sam. We’ll stop just over there, on those rocks.
(Frodo and Sam continue walking up to some ‘chair’ shaped rocks, they then sit down and begin to eat the lambas bread)
Sam - Ya know, this stuff isn’t really that bad.
Frodo - Nothing ever dampens your spirits does it Sam?
Sam - Not really Mr.Frodo, except rainy days, or the end of the world. I was really down aswell after my father left my mother for the hobbit down the road. He said that he liked the rumpy pumpy that he got. And do you know what really makes me depressed? I’ll tell you, its the time when you find your miles away form home, doing something completely impossible and …
Frodo - Sam
Sam - There’s also when you’re …
Frodo - SAM! For the shires sake shut-up, you’re giving me a headache.
Sam - You did ask.
Frodo - You started it
Sam - Did not
Frodo - Did too
Sam - Did not
Frodo - Did too
Sam - Did not
Frodo - Did too
Sam - Look, this is stupid. We should be getting along. It’s probably like our last few hours alive on this earth so let’s get on moving.
(Sam then picks up his pack and begins to set off, closely followed by Frodo)
Frodo - (whispers) Did too
Sam - (whispers) Did not
Frodo - (whispers) Did too
Sam - (whispers) Did not
(They then walk off and the camera pans across to reveal on the board behind them ‘7 HOURS LATER, 21 miles to Mordor’)
Frodo - I think it best that we rest here for the night.
Sam - I agree Mr. Frodo
Frodo - You know what Sam?
Sam - No Mr.Frodo…I don’t. What?
Frodo - I really can’t be arsed to cook anything tonight. What say we just go to sleep here in this really vulnerable position so that anything could come and try to steal something off us.
(Frodo sets out his roll matt and lies down, covering himself in a blanket)
Sam - Do you really think that this is the best thing we could do now Mr.Frodo?
Frodo - No
Sam - OK Mr.Frodo, you make the decisions.
(Sam curls up in his roll matt and blanket and they both go to sleep. Meanwhile, Gollum is creeping up on the two hobbits, after the ring)
Gollum - Theys stoles it from us. Mean, dirty, snivelling hobbitses bastards. Theys must dies they musts.
(Gollum creeps right up to Frodo and Sam and reaches for the ring but the hobbits awake. A small fight occurs. Gollum ends up on his back with Frodo holding a sword to his neck in anger)
Gollum - We’s sorry I am. We’s didn’t mean to tries to take the preciouss. Honests.
Sam - He’s lying Mr.Frodo. I don’t trust him Mr.Frodo.
Frodo - Are you sure. We can’t just leave him here.
Sam - Yes you can. You large excuse for a Hobbit.
Frodo - Advice noted. But under careful consideration. I have decided to……. Set him Free.
Gollum - Thanks you masters. We promises to be Goods I do. (Whispers) Slimy, thieving hobbitses.
Sam - You better be good. I still don’t trust him.
Frodo - I’m in charge here and what I say goes right?
Gollum - Yes
Sam - Yes
Frodo - SO, Gollum, do you know the way to Mordor?
Gollum - We do’s.
Frodo - And you’ve been there before?
Gollum - Yess.
Frodo - Will you lead us there? To the black gate?
Gollum - Yess masters, We’s leads you theres, please don’t kills us.
(Gollum proceeds to lead the hobbits off to Mordor)
END OF SCENE
Scene 2
Aragorn - Look, there…
Legolas - It is a pin, from one of the little hobbit’s capes.
Gimli - Then we are less than a day behind them
Aragorn - Yes, we must hurry, they may still be alive
(The three of them run off in pursuit of the band of Orcs, Fade camera)
Aragorn - There is something coming, Hide!
(In Monty Python style, several horsemen ride up and past)
Aragorn - They are riders of Rohan. Riders of Rohan. What news from the King?
(The horsemen turn and come back to the trio. They circle them and the leader dismounts.)
Horseman - The king has gone insane. He is possessed by evil.
Aragorn - Nothing up then?
Horseman - No, everything’s normal.
Legolas - Have you come across a band of Orcs, carrying two small hobbits with them. They would be but children to you?
Horseman - Actually, come to think of it, we have. Their dead. We killed everybody and burnt the corpses. Take these horses. The bodies are all piled up about half a mile from here, due east. Good Luck all of you.
Aragorn - Thankyou and goodbye
(The riders continue on their way. The trio mounts the horses given to them by the riders of Rohan and leave also, followed by the camera)
Gimli - He seemed to be a proper bastard he was.
Aragorn - I agree but we must have manners
Legolas - Manners my arse!
(They ride off to the pile of ‘Burning’ corpses and look around in detail)
Legolas - They’re dead, let’s go
Gimli - Pessimist
Aragorn - It looks like they ran of into the woods.
Gimli - Bloody hell, we’re travelling with a psychic
(the three of them follow the tracks into the woods where they stop in a small clearing)
Legolas - Something approaches. The white wizard draws close.
Gimli - For god’s sake, stop being so cryptic boy!
(they wait patiently until the wizard is standing behind them and then, all together, they turn around)
Aragorn - Bloody hell mate, you frightened the life out of me.
Gimli - looks like it too (says he pointing to Aragorn’s wet crotch)
Legolas - Gandalf!
Gimli - My god, you’re quick
Gandalf - Yes. Gandalf. That’s what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey.
Gimli - Great! He’s got amnesia
Aragorn - But you must now be Gandalf the White
Gandalf - Why yes, how did you know that?
Aragorn - It just came to me.
Gandalf - There is not time for chatter though. There is evil to be faught.
Gimli - Here we go again.
Gandalf - We must ride to the kingdom of Rohan and seek King Theodon’s aid.
Aragorn - Then we shall go
(the four mount horses and ride off to a fading camera. The camera restarts with them approaching Rohan)
Gandalf - Expect little welcome here for I sense that Scaraman’s wizardry has been here
(Gimli nudges Legolas)
Gimli - No red light district here then.
(camera fades and opens in Theodon’s court with Wormtongue at his side.)
Wormtongue - Gandalf the Grey approaches my lord. He is an enemy. He will try to steal the thrown of Rohan from you. He is treacherous and dangerous. I think he should be banished from these lands. He should…
Gandalf - Oh bugger off Wormtongue. I have no quarrel with you.
(Gimli approaches Wormtongue and heaves him out of the way)
Gandalf - Too long have you sat in the shadows and trusted to twisted tales and crooked promptings
(Theoden rises from his chair and Lady Eyown rushes b7y his side)
Gandalf - Open! The Lord of the Mark comes forth!
(Gimli turns to Legolas)
Gimli - Bet you a fiver that this don't work
Legolas - Shut it short arse
(Theoden walks around and goes outside to breathe the fresh air)
Theoden - Wormtongue! You are hereby banished from the Kingdom of Rohan. Be gone!
(Wormtongue runs off)
Aragorn - There is great evil stirring. Orcs roam free, unchallenged across the lands of Rohan. You must ride out and greet them.
Theoden - No. We will make for the refuge of Helms Deep
Aragorn - Haven’t you listened to a word I’ve said?
Theoden - No
(They walk out of the hall and shout to the residents of the town)
Guard - People of Rohan. We make for the refuge of Helms Deep. Take only what you can carry and whatever provisions you need.
(the townsfolk pick up some things and leave)
Townsperson – FREEDOM!!
(the camera fades as the people walk off into the distance down the road, it opens again with everybody inside Helms Deep)
Aragorn - So we arrive.
Gimli - Well spotted
Theoden - Close the gate and secure it with everything you can find. These walls have never been breached before and they will never be breached again.
Gimli - And what makes you so confident king Theoden?
Theoden - I have a fiver resting on it.
(camera fades out)
END OF SCENE
Scene 3
Wormtongue – I do believe that the King will withdraw to the refuge of Helms Deep
Scaraman - How do you know this?
Wormtongue – It’s hardly rocket science
Scaraman - Does the fortress have any weakness?
Wormtongue – The wall has never been breached. But there is one weakness. There is a small drain, which runs under the wall.
Scaraman - Then we will use it.
Wormtongue – But I do not see how. Even if you break the wall it would take thousands of men to storm the keep. There is not an army large enough to do this.
(they walk out in front of the Orc army)
Scaraman - Tonight you will taste man flesh
(the ‘army’ of Orcs look at each other in amazement and then one at the front rejoices and the others join in)
Scaraman - Leave now for Helms Deep
(the Orcs turn and walk out of the gate)
END OF SCENE
Scene 4
Theoden - Let them come!
Gimli - Eh?
Theoden - Let those evil, dark, tortured excuses for warriors come and do their worst
Legolas - 300 against 10,000…300 against 10,000. We cannot win this battle
Aragorn - Stop being a pessimist. We still have hope
(the camera pans across to see the sign saying 3 hours later)
Theoden - Prepare the men. Get them on to the walls.
(the Orc army marches up and stops)
Aragorn - Show them no mercy, as they will spare no one.
(the Orcs charge and the battle begins. The men fire a volley of arrows into the Orc line but this has little effect. 30 seconds later)
Gimli - I’m on five!
Legolas - 16!
Gimli - Unh! No one outscores a Dwarf
(the battle continues and soon the Orcs break through the lines of the men)
Gimli - 10, 11, 12
Legolas - I’m on 24
Theoden - Fall Back! Fall Back into the Keep.
(the remaining hero’s retreat back into the keep, Legolas and Aragorn have to drag Gimli back into the keep)
Theoden - It is over. We have lost.
Aragorn - It is not. Ride out with me
Theoden - Yes. We shall ride out
(Theoden and the remaining hero’s ride out in Monty Python style into the enemy and the Gandalf appear in Monty python style with his men and Eomer all the Orcs flea)
END OF SCENE
Scene 5
TreeBeard - So, you are friends of the white wizard then. He says to keep you safe so that is what we will do.
Merry - So you don’t think we’re Orcs then?
TreeBeard - Nope
Pippen - That’s good news then
Merry - Where are you taking us?
TreeBeard – To a safe place, South of here There are too few of us left now, too few to protect the forest. The trees are getting wild and angry now.
Merry - Wait!
TreeBeard - What is it?
Merry - Take us West.
West - But that takes you to Eisenguard
Merry - Exactly. He won’t expect an attack on him now. Not from us. TreeBeard, do you think you could help us?
TreeBeard - We don’t get involved in the affairs of the men and the Orcs. We just let it pass by.
Pippen - But this is not just for land, this is for the whole of Middle Earth, if we lose, the whole forest will be cut down.
TreeBeard - I shall take you South but we cannot get involved with any war.
Merry - Right.
Pippen - Are you sure this is a good idea?
Merry - No
(the camera backs off as they walk off around the woods, they then come onto the road, out of the forest)
TreeBeard - Oh no, some of these tree’s were my friends. Wrrrgh. Eisenguard must pay for this (sounds horn and a whole load of Ents join in, they walk across the road down to the fire area at the back of the scout hut and start throwing tyres and rocks at the fire area)
END OF SCENE
Scene 6
Frodo - You must let us go, the ring will only bring destruction. It cannot do good. It must be destroyed.
Sam - Can’t you see, he’s telling the truth
Smiegel - Smiegel is good really’s he is.
Faramier - The ring goes to Gondor
(The camera fades out and opens in a building, the scout hut)
Guard - We’re under attack, we have no times for prisoners.
Faramier - Very well, you say this ring must be destroyed.
Frodo - Yes
Faramier - Then you must go. I bid you farewell
(The Guard and Faramier run out and Frodo and Sam are left)
Frodo - Smiegel!, Smiegel!
(Smiegel hides behind a tree/post, crouching down)
Smiegel - (Evil Smiegel) Trixy, dirty, horrible Hobbits, theys trixed us they did, trixed us. They only want the Preciouss. Good Smiegel) No, No. Master is my Friend; he would never hurt poor Smiegel. Not Master.
Frodo - Smiegel!
Sam - Where is he, that snivelling excuse for a hobbit.
Smiegel - (Evil Smiegel) I knows, we won’t do’s it, we’s let her do’s it. Then we can have the preciouss. (Good Smiegel)Yes. Yes. That is good. We like that.
(he quickly springs out from his post)
Smiegel - Come hobbits, a long way to go yet we have. No time for breaks you knows.
Frodo - Thank god, we thought we had lost you
Smiegel - This way hobbits. (whispers) Dirty, Trixy, Hobbits